Dumb movie quotes.

Now I know what you are asking: Are you talking about dumb movies or are you talking about dumb quotes that happen to be from movies? My answer is yes. Actually not quiet, I do like some of the movies I am going to quote. In any case the quotes are very, very dumb.

My first quote is from the Matrix. It’s fun, but the movie takes itself way too seriously.

Trinity: They are killing machines designed for one purpose.
Dozer: Seek and destroy.

Think about that for a second. “They are gardening machines designed for one purpose: Car waxing and poodle shaving.” So which one purpose are they designed for: do they seek or do they destroy? Through out the Matrix they use this type of language. “I’m here to teach you ONE thing”, “Let me sing you ONE song”, “For breakfast I will cook you ONE thing. There is no option: bacon or eggs, not both!” Ok maybe I am going a little over board, but you get the picture.

My next quote is from a movie I love, “The Empire Strikes Back.” At one point Luke asks Yoda about the future. Luke says:

“Will they die?”

Yoda then proceeds to close his eyes and say:

“Very difficult to see.”

Well I wonder why? I am imagining movie commentary for John Madden “Now here is a Jedi Master who when he opens his eyes he can see better.”

Another movie that is fun, but takes itself too seriously is “Field of Dreams”. Yes I moved to Iowa as a tenth grader. There are bumper stickers all over that say, “Is this heaven? No, it’s Iowa.” I like my mother’s version of the line “Is this heaven?” You respond with deadpan, bored look on your face, “No, it’s Iowa.”

But that wasn’t the quote I was going to bring up. The following line is in my opinion one of the ultimate quotes of cultural isolationism.

“The one constant through all the years Ray has been baseball.”

Hey people of war torn Afghanistan, do you know what is the ONE constant through ALL the years? Hey tribal people of Vanuatu off the coast on New Zealand, do you know what is the ONE constant through ALL the years?

The amazing thing about this quote is it not only reflects cultural ignorance but historical ignorance as well. I thought baseball was invented in the 1860’s. I guess I was wrong. So how did the Aztec Indians feel about the in-field fly rule? And did Gangues Khan and his Mongolian hordes observe the seventh inning stretch? How do you say, “Buy me some peanuts and cracker jacks” in ancient Mongolian?

“The one constant through all the years Ray has been seek and destroy.”

All right Mel Gibson has had some good action films, but in my opinion “Conspiracy Theory” was not one of them. There is one point in which Julia Roberts is standing in a cemetery looking at a tombstone and she says:

“I miss your face.”

Now I appreciate the sentiment and all, but let’s be honest that line is dumb. The first time I saw this movie in the theatres, when I heard that line I nearly died laughing. And if I had died would somebody have missed MY face?

My final movie quote is from an amazingly dumb movie. The name of the movie is “Speed 2”. I have only seen this movie once and have avoided it like the plague since. Most quotes I have deliberately deleted from my brain so I don’t have an exact quote. But I am going to give you an approximation of the quote and then explain it.

“Blah blah blah Chainsaw blah blah.”

Now what is the context of this line? “Speed 2” is a sequel to the movie “Speed” which is about a bus that is traveling at 70 miles per hour and if it slows down it will blow up. In the sequel there is now a huge ocean faring cruise liner that is traveling at some ridiculous speed and if it slows down it will also blow up. At one point somebody is locked in a room on this boat. And Sandra Bullock is trying to get the person out. Then she say something like, “Quick, hand me that chainsaw over there.” or maybe she say “I wish I could bust through this door. Look a chainsaw. I can use that!”

This line makes me ponder. (hmm …hmm) Suppose I were the captain of an OCEAN TRAVELING VESSEL. So I am standing on shore and making plans for the trip. “Did we forget something?” I might ask. “Well we have the life rafts. Oh and we have got the life jackets. Yes plenty of those. Let’s see navigation equipment, flares. What am I forgetting? Hold on I’ve got it!! WE FORGOT THE CHAINSAW!”

I mean if you are watching a movie like “The strapping, Oregon mountain man” or “Norwegian Chainsaw juggling: a tale of love.” It might seem reasonable to hear and line like “Quick, hand me that chainsaw.” But if you are watching “Speed 2: the really fast moving cruise liner that by the way is in the ocean and as far a forest as you can possibly get.” Then the line “Quick, hand me that chainsaw”, seems a little out of place.

Actually now that I think about it “Quick, hand that chainsaw” is a dumb line. And if you hear it, then you are watching a dumb movie.